Footsteps To Freedom

Oh, what is that?” I asked my friend, who texted me about a half bottle of something. This was a brand new bottle of Vodka I brought yesterday; he is still in bed at three-fifty-five in the afternoon”. I suggest he may be depressed. She screams, “He should be. He quit his job five months ago and hasn’t even attempted to look for work. And I think as much as he denies it, I think he is realizing that leaving me may have been a mistake. I was not the reason he quit his job. I am not the reason he has nothing. He can fit everything in the back seat of his truck. I hate that it makes me feel like I am the problem. I hate that he makes me the person who ruined his life.

I wait a few minutes before speaking because I never want to say things to hurt people, but I always try to say things that may help and heal at some point in their lives. I understand her frustration and her pain. I know the drinking all day and night and being too drunk or hungover to get out of bed the next morning. I understand the “I quit my job syndrome.” Why go to work when you are going to get sent home anyway for being impaired, smelling like alcohol, or so late for work that you cannot start the day? I felt what she said.

I wanted to ask why you are staying. What is holding you to this relationship? You say it’s over, and he says it’s over, but nobody is moving forward. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t.

Nobody wants to be the bad guy; he must blame you. If he didn’t, he would have to change, and he is not ready for that because change requires work, honesty, and hard truths about yourself. The drinking is only a symptom of his depressed state of mind. When it’s over, where is he going? Who is he going to blame? NOBODY; because he cannot.  Trust, no man/woman wants to be seen as less than, but only he is responsible for the “less than,” and that’s too hard to face, so he is going to live in the bottle. The bottle won’t talk back, won’t tell him to get a job, man up! It will “tell him” EVERYTHING he wants to hear.

She remained quiet, but I knew she was thinking.

There are so many forms of abuse that can also cause people to be condescending, patronizing, critical, lying, forget promises, and betray trust. Abuse does not have to be physical; it can be psychological, emotional, financial, and sexual. If you add a substance to this abuse, it can contribute to other problems in the relationship.  So many of us only hear about intimate partner violence and domestic abuse, but we attribute this to physical for the most part. The problem with all the other types of abuse is we stay, and we stay, and we stay, and we make excuse after excuse. Are we weak? Are we stupid? No! We have a heart that continues to give opportunities to those who do not deserve them. Perhaps alcohol is a contributing factor to his behavior, or perhaps not. Maybe depression is a contributing factor, perhaps not. No one can determine why he decided to give up. But if he doesn’t do the work and finds out, he will possibly remain on the sofa.

We continue to wait for people to change, but this is who they are most often. My heart hurt for my friend. She genuinely felt that things would be better or things would turn around in her relationship. But it did not. Her husband is still an alcoholic, and he is still unemployed and won’t work. Does that make him a wrong person? It could. But these actions could be attributed to mental health. He could be depressed. But if he is not ready to accept that there is more going on than he is willing to admit, there will probably be no resolution in the marriage.

My friend decided to throw in the towel. She decided to leave everything and everyone behind and start her life over in another state. I am happy and sad for my friend. I am sorry that she is leaving her family behind, and I am so glad she is happy with her decision.

Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions. Sometimes, life throws us curve balls, and we can either duck or allow those balls to knock us out. I am happy that my friend decided to duck and move forward. 

Remember, alcohol is a depressant, and if you are drinking and have a diagnosis of depression, you are likely going down a rabbit hole. Seek assistance. Don’t give up on yourself. Others are depending on you to show up!