And when that happens, we start to second guess ourselves. We start renting space in our heads and attempt to explain or deny. I have a lot of female friends who are beautiful, funny, talented, and compassionate. When we used to out for dinner or lunch or walk around the mall, I could the married and single men side eyeing them and checking them out. I would smile because, for the most part, my girlfriends didn’t notice them, but I did. They weren’t looking at me though, they were checking them out.
I shrugged it off at first. I didn’t put too much thought into it. Over the months I started to notice it more and more. And I started thinking, what is going on here? I am pretty and smart. I have something to offer a good man. But the months rolled on and still nobody saw me.
I started to second-guess who I was. But I was single, and I had time to just work on myself. I took the time to reevaluate who I was and what I wanted in my life, especially if I wanted a man. But I still had this nagging going on. Was I enough? Was I pretty enough? Those negative thoughts were bred from being betrayed and mistreated. After my marriage broke up, I spent months asking myself if I was enough. I never gave it a second thought that he left because it was his decision and it had nothing to do with me. I had not grown that much to believe that. I looked inside instead of at him.
Over time not being seen got easier for me. I spent time just learning who I was from the inside out. I made peace with my broken pieces. I forgave myself and others who played a part in my pain. It was a matter of time before I was at peace and comfortable in my own skin. Every scar I bore was a battle I won. I began to feel good about myself and not care about what others thought of me or who saw me.
I saw me and I liked and started to love who I saw looking back at me.
I am a praying woman. My faith teaches me to pray. But along with prayer, we must listen. At first, I heard my mother’s voice in my head, “Don’t question God chile, it is not your place to do”. But as I got older, I started to understand you cannot have a conversation with one person. So, I remedied in my mind that God and I would have a conversation and I would be quiet enough to hear him respond.
I started to talk to Him. And I thanked Him for my journey and for helping me forgive. I didn’t really want anything from Him, after all, He already did so much for me. But I did have a request. I didn’t ask right away. I waited until I was comfortable asking.
The day came. I was sitting on my bed looking out my bedroom window at the clouds. It was almost like He knew I wanted to speak. The sky was so blue. I smiled and simply asked “God why can’t anyone see me? Why don’t men see me? Why do people look right through me? Why do people discount me and exclude me? Where are my friends?
Days and nights went by. Months went by and even a few years. I knew He would answer me. I did not know when, but I knew He would not leave me ignorant. In His time, He would answer me.
It is strange how we go through things not for us but for other people. And then it happened.
I was sitting at a restaurant by myself. I ordered a meal and began to eat. I noticed him but again, he did not notice me. And God said, right in the middle of my baked potato and steak. “He cannot see daughter. I have hidden you behind the veil until you have completed your journey. No man will find you until they seek after Me.”
It was at that moment I understood. God loves us so much. He does not want us to suffer. Before He allows us to continue to hurt. He will step in and save us from ourselves. No one could see me because I was not ready. I still had work to do. God knew me enough to know that if anyone saw me before my journey was complete, it would only interrupt the process and cause me more pain and suffering.
The moral of the story; Be patient. God has you hidden until you complete your journey of self-discovery, and your mate learns how to treat you like the Queen/King you are. It takes time, discipline, and trust in the process. “Bad news: YOU’RE GROWING AND IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE, Good news: IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE BUT YOU’RE GROWING”.
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Footsteps To Freedom 
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