Footsteps To Freedom

I am staring at a white screen wondering what is going to go on this paper. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I do not know which one to focus on. I have so many emotions gathering going in all different directions trying to find a safe place to land but there is no safe place. There is never a safe place in an abusive relationship. We start out on the same road and our needs and wants are the same but somewhere lines get blurred. The representative disappears and the real person shows up. Where is that loving person that I walked down the aisle with? Where is the man that promised to take care of my heart? He is standing right there. Our love and commitment made us see things differently. His little idiocrasies were cute, at first. His calls throughout the day were because he cared about me. He wanted me to wear this dress because it looked so much better on me than the one, I picked. My thoughts are not even in a safe place. It feels like he knows what I am thinking and threatens to kill me if I think about leaving. I try to understand it is the pressure from the job. It is the bills or his baby mother stressing him out. He would never be this mean if he were not going through something. He was drinking. Yes, that is it, the drinking is what makes him degrade me and push me around. If he were not drinking, he would be my knight in shining armor. The man that swept me off my feet. I must get out of here; I must find my way back to me. I must be ok, not being ok. I must go back to basics. I cannot find me; I do not know where I went. When he came, I lost me.

Anyone that is ok with you feeling insane and walking on eggshells is not the person for you. You deserve to be happy, whole, and free. There is nothing wrong with you. You are ok just being you. Sometimes we think we need to change ourselves to fit into a mold that someone made for us. But we do not. God made us in His image. You are never too old to change or start over. You are never too old to begin again. Walk, no run! to the nearest exit and move into your next!