Signs of Codependency according to Mental Health America:
You are unable to set boundaries in relationships. – Have you ever been able to set boundaries in your relationship? If you have set boundaries, have you been able to stick with that boundary? First, let’s define a boundary- something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. In codependent relationships, boundaries do not exist and that is because “With a fragile self, codependents are afraid of rejection and abandonment,” mental health americal.com. It is very often that people do not know why they stay in dysfunctional or abusive relationships. I often wondered why I stayed. I would say to myself, this relationship is dead, there is no love, respect, or commitment but, here I am. I would pump myself up to say, I am leaving or the next time he goes, I will let him, and won’t allow him to come back. But then that fear of abandonment would rear its ugly head. I would start to think about my father, who left us when I was eight. I need and the yearning for him was unbearable and I didn’t want to feel that anymore. I resolved in my mind, if he stays I won’t feel that need or yearning. That was enough for me to stay. But it was not healthy. Boundaries without consequences are nothing but words. And we must stick to the consequences of others’ behaviors; if we want a relationship that can work.
· You have low self-esteem. I’m not too fond of this statement but it’s true. Low self-esteem is when someone lacks confidence about who they are and what they can do. They often feel incompetent, unloved, or inadequate. This could happen if you had a childhood where authority figures were critical to didn’t or couldn’t give you the love and time you needed. This causes us to hold on and attempt to spend all this time, trying to ensure we are loved. This can cause people to feel smothered and controlled. Codependent people latch on and don’t let others live their lives because of their own inadequacies.
· You ignore your own needs and put your partner’s needs first. – Everybody comes first for the codependent person. They don’t care about them; it’s all about the other person. Giving away pieces of them until there is nothing left. This is unhealthy. Everyone needs to practice self-care.
· You feel addicted to another person- When you feel like you cannot function without the other person in your life. Or you believe that this person has to be a part of every single part of your life regardless of how they may feel about this, you have become addicted. You cancel your plans, you work around their schedule so that you can be home all the time, and you stop what you are doing just to go wherever they are going. Even if they don’t want you to go.
· You’re in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and can’t leave. – You know the relationship is unhealthy or even abusive, albeit emotional or mental abuse, its abuse! But you cannot leave. You make excuses for staying.
According to WebMD. “Codependency can also be characterized as relationship addiction. Relationship addiction (or love addiction) is not a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and neither is codependence, but the addictive traits are like substance use and process addictions. Dependent personality disorder, however, is listed in the DSM-5 and is an anxiety disorder marked by helpless and dependent behaviors, some of which are similar to that of codependency.”
If any of these examples sound like you or your partner; it is time to seek help.
Help is always available. No one has to stay in a codependent relationship. Real relationships consist of genuine and honest communication, self-care for both parties, making decisions, and being able to say no, without feeling guilty or the need to explain. Be able to be alone. Have self-esteem and set boundaries. Those attributes can help in a healthy relationship.
Always, do your work, before you venture into a long-term relationship. Don’t be afraid to take a hard look at yourself. If you have to start over at least you are starting from experience this time.
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