Footsteps To Freedom

I had a group session today and I asked the clients to find a song that represents how they feel about themselves today. I listened to each song and why it was picked. But the song that made the most impact to the group was a song named 1-800-273-8255- by Logic:  Here are a few verses of the lyrics,

“I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout, they think they know it
I’ve been prayin’ for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it
I know I’m hurtin’ deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home, ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious, but nobody cares about mine”.

The title of the song is actually the number for the National Suicide Hotline. I inquired how this song impacted the client. She shared she always feels alone, empty and invisible. She went on to say, “I think if I raise my voice something bad will happen. If I try and speak too loud, I think something will happen to me. So I try to kinda fade in the woodwork because I don’t want no trouble”.  I asked how long have you lived like this? “All my adult life and even in my childhood; I’ve always been treated this way. I’ve always understood that nobody loves me, nobody wants me in their life. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” She went on to say all of her relationships were sad and abusive and it stemmed from being raised by her grandmother after her parents said they did not want her. All her life, she was made to feel unwanted and unloved. Even when her grandmother took her in and raised her, she never really got over the fact that her own parents did not love her enough to raise her.

Predators can usually see the insecurity or low self-esteem in their prey. They can feel the emptiness and desperation to be loved and cared for. They use all of their tools and charisma to reel us in. But we are only meeting their representatives.

Over time, things change, they change, the conversations change and the words and actions start to sting. We don’t move on and we allow it to happen because we want to be love and needed. We think they love and want us because of their actions as an imposter. By the time our self-respect and self-worth has been crushed, it is too late to move forward. We are defeated and will start to allow bad behaviors to slide  or be ignored or chalked up to being tired, hungry, angry, sleepy, drunk, or any other adjective that will suit our needs to stay stagnant in the relationship.

We teach others how to treat us. We continue to say what we want in a relationship but if those things do not show up in the relationship, do we move on? When the first look of disrespect shows up, do we leave? Repeatedly, we romanticize the relationship because the people we love show us love “sometimes.” We talk about it on Face book, Snap chat and Instagram. We pose for pictures and everyone thinks the couple is “so nice”. The disrespect does not stop. It does not stop because we allow what happens to happen.

This happens because are unclear of what a real relationship may look like. Especially if we never saw a healthy and real relationship; we watch and learn from our parents, siblings and outside sources and we think this is healthy. Our innate spirit tells us that it is wrong but when there is no culpability or accountability for immoral behavior, what do we expect to happen?

Many people are raised in dysfunction and abusive households. And those people simply try and raise themselves through what they witness in the streets or from other family members. It is not a healthy way to learning but it is all they seem to have to build on.

In order to rid ourselves of this behavior we must practice self-discovery. We do this by standing alone and working on ourselves. We learn how to forgive ourselves and those who hurt us. We take self-inventory and work on us until difference shows up. Difference looks like a smile, the head held high, laughter, and all the things that make us happy and content with whom we are.

If your favorite song in 1-800-273-8255, do your work until it is not! To thy own self be true!