Footsteps To Freedom

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on, I can ‘t believe you”- Friedrich Nietzsche

Powerful quote. This is what happens when lies are more important that the truth. We cannot have healthy and successful relationships when lies permeate the entire fiber of the relationship. We all want to have a loving relationship. A partner we can depend on and trust to have our back. We all want to be able to get butterflies in our stomach when we see the ones we love. But that is ruined with a lie. Our wedding day is stressful and sometimes overwhelming, but it still is the best day of our lives when we are walking down the aisle to meet the person we vow to love for better or worse, richer, or poorer and in sickness and in health. But we must remember the wedding is for family and friends. And the marriage beings after the wedding in over. Over time we after the couple settles in and try to make a life, we start to see cracks in the armor. We attribute this to teaching one another and growing with each other. We hope and pray that our marriage works, and we continue to strive towards a healthy marriage. Before we are aware the first bump in the road happens. The first argument or the disagreement. We try to control the rising anger so not to act on it. But sometimes it does not work, and words pour out and crash against your heart and break it into a million pieces. Hours past and the atmosphere is quiet, but the pain of those words continue to resonate, and you start to second guess everything you know about this person.

Lies destroy the fiber of any commitment. Any vow. Any promise. Any butterflies you have ever felt. “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

Lies are lies and there is no other way of looking at it. Even a partial lie is a lie. A trivial lie is a lie. And all lies change the dynamic of a relationship.

I think the first lie we overlook and accept it. We are still in love and do not see it as a lie. We make excuses that the person just forgets to tell us. The red flags start to wave but we are still in love. But our common sense starts to speak to us. “If they are lying about this, what else are they lying about?” Now you want to trust and verify. Then another lie but they try and convince you that they did tell you and you just did not remember. The gaslighting starts and the “you’re crazy and insecure” starts to be their go to words. Finally, the deceit is full blown and devastating. They keep telling you lie after lie after. And you keep telling them Discovery is not Disclosure.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.”

I would like to tell you that a relationship consumed with lies and deceit can heal and get better. I honestly do not know. I know that once the lie is out there it is hard to believe anything said afterwards. You may not walk away. You may fight to the end to save your marriage or your relationship. Or you may grab the rest of your self-respect, pack up your self-worth and move on.

Sometimes we must move forward for our own sanity. The next lie may cost us more than our self-respect.