Footsteps To Freedom

“Verbal abuse is a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral language, gestured language and written language directed to a victim.” Verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Scars heals but words stay with us. Hearing someone that loves you (at least say they love you) berate you and make you feel small, tears at the fibers of your heart. The bible says the tongue is a two-edge sword. It can speak life and death. And the bible never lies. One conversation can change the entire outlook on a relationship. No matter how you love someone when one of them say words to destroy you the dynamic of the relationship can never be the same. An apology comes with flowers and dinner. New jewelry and gifts, and one would think things are back to normal. But apologies without changed behavior are mere words. The once blissful relationship has changed.

We cannot see verbal scars. But our actions show they are there. The kisses change. The idle chatter between lovers’ change. The love making itself changes. Apologies, made, but the verbal assault overrides it. Do they really think those things about us? Are we stupid? Lazy? Worthless? They notice the changes and they ask if you are ok. You try and explain you are, but your body language betrays you.

Blaming-making the victim believe they are responsible for the abusive behavior

Criticism- harsh and persistent remarks that are meant to make a person feel bad about themselves.

Gaslighting- a type of insidious, and sometimes covert, emotional abuse where the abuser makes the victim question their own judgement.

Judging- looking down on the victim, not accepting them for who they are.

Name-calling- abusive, derogatory language, insults that chip away at the victim’s self-esteem.

Threats- statements meant to frighten, control, and manipulate the victim into compliance.

Withholding- a refusal to give affection or attention, including talking to you, looking at you or even being in the same room with you.

“Our brains wires according to our experiences.” Even when the words stop the experience of that verbal assault lingers in our mind. Verbal abuse is painful, and most relationships do not survive verbal abuse.

Over time we understand that the relationship is not healthy. When we are honest about what we experience, we can begin to take steps to gain control or leave the relationship. Surround yourself with healthy relationships and friends who are in healthy relationships “to remind you what a healthy relationship should look like.” When you realize none of the boundaries you set for the abuser do not manifest and they have no intention of changing their behavior, you want to come of with a “safety plan in the case the abuse escalates” and it usually does when you decide to leave.

Healing from verbal abuse will take time. Consider speaking to a therapist who can help you “process your emotions and develop healthy coping skills for dealing with short and long-term consequences of verbal abuse.”

Verbal abuse causes mental health symptoms of anxiety, depression, chronic stress, decreased self-esteem, feelings of shame and guilt, PTSD, social isolation, and substance abuse.

If any of this message resonates, please do your research. It is better to move on and heal than to stay and allow the brain to continue process these self-defeating thoughts that can stop you from living the life intended for you.

If you need help, please call 800. 799.SAFE. (7233). The National Domestic Violence Hotline.