Footsteps To Freedom

Do you ever hear children when they are fussing? And when one of the children hurts the other child, they yell, Say Sorry! Unfortunately, abusers and narcissist will NEVER utter that word, unless they think it is going to further their cause to control you or the situation. As you will read below “narcissism, as a personality disorder, does not excuse abuse.” Say Sorry! I scream in my head often when I think of my narcissistic partner. He can be overbearing and rude! He is “mean because is he angry and he angry because he is hurt” but I never played a part in his hurt! I was not there when he was ridiculed by his ex-wife. I was not there, and it is not my fault! I wanted him to Say sorry! I listened intently to my client. As I looked at her, I could see years of stress and abuse had taken a toll on her beauty. She went on How can he be so cruel and uncaring?” You know when I married him, he was so loving and caring. He took care of my needs and my wants. I thought he was a good person, but he is not. He drinks more than he did before we got married. He is always angry, always irritable. I thought I got out of abusive relationships, but I walked right into another one. I continued to listen to her. My heart ached for her. I knew exactly what she was going through. I did not want her to see my pain. Do you think his attitude is your fault? I asked. I do not know. Do you believe his alcohol is the reason he acts the way he does? Sometimes. Do think you can leave and start over? Where would I go? He isolated me from all my friends and my family is tired of my complaining and never doing anything about it. I feel trapped and I am scared. I knew from experience she engaged in an intimate partner violent relationship. I knew by the excessive amount of make-up around her right eye. I gave her resources and website to research but only if she felt safe enough to keep them. I cautioned her not to download anything and to delete all the search engines on the computer. She looked at her watch and hurried out the door. I must leave now; he will be home soon, and I must cook dinner.

 If you had this conversation over and over in your mind, please read the following information from Abuse Recovery.com. This information will an asset to you if you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship

Abuse is Never Your Fault

Your partner may have rationale for why they are being abusive, but reasons and rationales never excuse abuse. They are choosing to be abusive. It is NEVER your fault if someone abuses you. All forms of abuse cause emotional harm, which is often the hardest to understand and heal from. Recent studies also show that children in the home with emotional abuse, even if it is not directed towards them, have much higher cases of PTSD, anxiety and learning issues.

Narcissism in Abuse

We often field questions about narcissism, and we know, after over 20 years of collaborating with both abusers and the abused, that all abusers show narcissistic behaviors. Narcissism, as a personality disorder, does not excuse abuse.Even a narcissist is still choosing certain behaviors that are abusive. They are still in control of their behavior, which is based on deep beliefs that it is okay to use controlling behaviors.

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What About Alcohol and Drug Use in Abuse?

Alcohol and drugs also do not excuse abusive behaviors. There are people who choose to use substances but are never abusive. Alcohol and drugs do lower inhibition. The person using abusive behavior (even when inebriated) is choosing this behavior based on their (skewed) beliefs.

These questions are designed to help you evaluate whether you are experiencing abuse. Consider the following-

• Does your partner often seemed irritated or angry with you, although you never meant to upset them? Do you feel confused by their anger?
• Have you frequently felt perplexed and frustrated by your partner’s responses because you cannot get them to understand your intentions? 
• Has your partner acted jealous or possessive of you?
• Have they accused you of having affairs or paying too much attention to others? 
• Does your partner make you feel like you are mostly wrong, and they are always right?

He Denies or Minimizes the Abuse

• Has your partner denied (I never did that), minimized (It was not that bad) or justified their abuse (I would not have done that if you would not have done this)?
• Have you felt like you are always walking on eggshells? Are you especially careful to avoid conflicts?
• Does your partner call you bad names and put you down?
• Do they give you angry glares or looks that scare you? 
• Has your partner controlled what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Have they deterred or discouraged you from relationships with your friends or family? 
• Does your partner control the money: withhold financial information, keep you from working, take your money, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? 

They Tell Me What I Should Feel

• Has your partner defined your feelings, opinions, needs, or wants? 
• Does your partner attempt or force you to have sex against your will?
• Has your partner manipulated or coerced you for sex?
• Does your partner tell you are a bad parent and/or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Has your partner acted like the abuse is no big deal, or like it is all your fault, or even denied doing it?
• Have they followed you, shown up uninvited or refused to leave when asked?
• Has your partner gone through your things, mail, email, text, or social media?

He Destroys Property

• Has your partner destroyed property (hit, kicked doors, walls, furniture, thrown items, broken things?)
• Does your partner threaten to harm, or has harmed or killed a family pet?
• Has your partner intimidated or threatened you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Has your partner ever used a weapon to control or harm you? 
• Have they intimidated you, shoved, slapped, pinched kicked, restrained, hit, or choked you? 
• Has your partner convinced or manipulated you to drop charges or a restraining/protective order?
• Does your partner threaten to commit suicide?
• Has your partner threatened to kill you or your family? 

Domestic violence and abuse are a pattern of behaviors used to gain and maintain power and control in an intimate relationship. If you are experiencing a pattern of behaviors described from this list, you may be in an abusive relationship.

TYPES OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

Verbal -Put downs, name calling, shouting swearing, threats, abusive jokes, the silent treatment, continual arguing, belittling, controlling conversations, countering, or discounting, criticizing, blaming…

Psychological- Mind games, mental coercion, using looks or actions to generate fear, conditional affection, manipulation, spying, going through your partners mail, email, multiple calls/texting, stalking, treating your partner like a servant, using the children, depriving your partner of friends and family, frequent moves (home or church), making her feel crazy, public humiliation…All forms of abuse are psychological.

Physical Hitting, shoving, grabbing, slapping, kicking, pinching, hair pulling, scratching, restraining, strangulation, smothering, posturing to intimidate, making someone move or not move against their will…

 Sexual Rape, unwanted touch, sexual comments, jokes, or put downs, attacking body parts, requiring her to dress a certain way, requiring bizarre sexual acts, pouting, pornography, affairs, interrupting sleep, extreme jealousy…

 Financial Controlling the money, unilateral decisions, lying about finances, hidden accounts, restricting employment, not paying child or spousal support, denying basic needs, requiring an account for every penny…

Animal Kicking the dog, throwing the cat, harming, or killing an animal, threatening to get rid of a family pet, neglect, giving pet more affection than partner, throwing things at an animal…

 Spiritual Misusing scriptures or God to control or abuse, negatively effecting child’s image of self or of God, demanded submission and obedience, questioning her salvation, not letting her go or making her go to church… Property

 Punching walls or doors, kicking, or hitting furniture, throwing things, destroying things, slamming doors, pounding tables, sabotaging the car, going through phone, use of weapons, hiding

FIFTEEN WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

If your partner is displaying a combination of these behaviors, you may have a potential batterer on your hands.

1. A push for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

 2. Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls or texts constantly, visits unexpectedly, prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone,” checks the mileage on your car, accuses his victim of cheating on him.

 3. Controlling: Controls what you do, who you see, controls finances or whether you allowed to work or not. Controls what happens at home. Questions you intensely.

 4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need. Expects you to do more than you can.

 5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”

 6. Blames others for problems or mistakes: The boss, you – it is always someone else’s fault for his abusive behavior or if anything goes wrong.

 7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of, “I am angry”, or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.” Less obvious is the claim: “You make me happy.”

 8. Hypersensitivity: He is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is mad. He will rant about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. Cruelty to animals and to children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (spanks a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper or may tease them until they cry.)

10. Forced sexual acts: Won’t stop when told ‘No’. Makes you do sexual acts with which you are not comfortable. Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. Verbal abuse: Criticizes you or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. Rigid sex roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home. Does not see you as his equal, nor respects you. He expects you to ask permission but feels he does not need your approval for anything.

13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes or even more confusing, within seconds.

14. Past battering: Admits to hitting women in the past, but says that they made him do it, or the situation brought it on.

15. Threats of violence: Makes statements like, “If I cannot have you, no one will”, or, “I could kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way”, or “I didn’t really mean it.” If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out