Footsteps To Freedom

One and three women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. According to global news, domestic violence cases increased by 25-33 percent globally in 2020. Domestic violence increased 8.1% during the pandemic. Although the COVID 19 numbers have changed and lowered, that is not the case for intimate partner violence. Isolation has always been one of the tactics of an abuser. According to the associated press “Domestic violence incidents have soared in Baltimore during the COVID-19 pandemic, with police reporting a case increase of nearly one-third in the city, according to police department data. Experts told the Baltimore Sun that isolation, cramped living conditions and financial hardships from the pandemic have made it more difficult for survivors, women more than men, to seek protection or leave their abusers.” Again, isolation plays a pivotal part in the violence.

The perpetrator of violence is always planning and thinking about his tactics and how they can effectively decrease you to nothingness. It is his/her goal to make it seem like it is your fault, and they are the only ones that care about you. Therefore, isolation is such an important tactic. He/she must take you away from those you love and care about you. And if you are from family with discord, it is all the better. The perpetrator can smell low self-esteem. He may lure you in by showing you he will take care of you and give you what your family did not. Fortunately, intimate partner violence is recognized by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and they have listed factors of individual risk factors for why men/women can become perpetrators of abuse: Low self-esteem, low education, or income, young age, aggressive or delinquent behavior as a youth, heavy alcohol and drug use, depression and suicide attempts, anger and hostility, lack of nonviolent social critical thinking skills, antisocial personality traits and conduct problems, poor behavioral control and impulsiveness, traits associated with borderline personality disorder, history of being physically abusive, having few friends and isolation from other people economic stress (e.g., unemployment) emotional dependence and insecurity, belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships, desire for power and control in relationships, hostility towards women, attitudes accepting or justifying violence, aggression and history of physical or emotional abuse in childhood.  

Knowing these risks helps to educate ourselves about intimate partner violence but does not negate the fact that we may still fall in love or in lust with someone who is an abuser. I am a survivor of intimate partner violence, and I am always willing to be transparent when I speak about my journey. Yes, sometimes when I write about my journey, people do not understand and they make remarks that, quite frankly, I understand. They want to know why I stayed; how could I allow myself to be a victim. And there were nights I asked myself those same questions. But my fear of being alone and not understanding who I was as a woman or even a person kept me stuck in that cycle of violence. I made so many excuses for staying and where my bruises came from.

I am free now and I am not ashamed of where I have been because it made me who I am today. I am a fighter, and I am a person who listens to the woes and pain of others without judgement. I see myself in so many of the people I encounter. I pray each time silently that something said or done will turn them around. I sometimes see those who will not leave or even attempt to blame him/her for their bruises. I see how they protect them and blame themselves. I must allow them to see things in their truth until the truth (if it does not kill them) surface. I am a survivor, and I am grateful and thankful for those who were there for me, with me, and loved me through the journey.

It is my hope if you find yourself in a relationship that looks anything like it is toxic or dangerous that you find someone who is willing to help you as I did. Being in this type of relationship can be scary and embarrassing but we must push past what people will say to us or about us and strive to get out. The pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.