Footsteps To Freedom

I sat in the Emergency department of a major hospital and watched the tech stitch my hand up and put ice on my busted lip. I was 19 years old, and I was 19 years old, and I was so broken. How did I get here? I kept avoiding eye contact with the women’s specialist because I was ashamed. She waited patiently until the tech finished. She said “I cannot tell you to leave him, or press charges, or even forgive him. But what I will tell you is that you are better than this circumstance. You are destined to be great. She gave me a tissue and watched me wipe the blood off my face. She then said, “if you do not leave, at least think about leaving. I want you to smile and think of your future, college, and a career. You will get nothing if you stay. All you will get is death! Because his only motive is to kill you! She said, “I don’t usually hug my patients, but I believe you need one.” I left my abusive relationship shortly after this beating. I healed from the broken ribs and the black eyes. I healed from the busted nose and having my tooth loosened after being backhanded. The visible scars dissipated but the emotional and verbal abuse lingered in my mind for years. When you leave an abusive relationship, it is like someone leaving the war zone. You suffer PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), nightmares and other similar problems.

I thought everyone could see my scars, my black eyes, and busted lips. Although I smiled, I was terrified that my scars were noticeable. Being in an abusive relationship changes you as a person. It made me guarded and the light in my eyes started to dim. It is surreal to think the degree of power that one man had over me. I tried to remember when it all started. When did I become property and no longer a person? When did I give up self-control and turn it over to him? I cannot remember but I did remember the first punch. It took my wind and I feel to the floor and crumpled like a piece of paper.

 Beaten, battered, broken and empty is how his “love” made me feel because someone broken and battered thought that is what love looked it. I made him an asset in my life, and he made me a liability. Fear made me stay, until I realized it could cost me my life. It was not easy but with discretion and planning it was doable. It was up to me to either wait until something happened or make something happen. I chose the latter. And you can too. Remember you were a victim, and this is not your fault. Abusers are experts. Even if you leave with nothing but the clothes on your back, leave! The pain of staying is always worse than the pain of leaving.