Footsteps To Freedom

Some of us are single by force or choice. Either way, once we are single it would benefit us to find value in alone time. 

When I was married, and my husband could not seem to make up his mind where he wanted to lay his head at night. When our marriage was going well, our home where he laid his head. When he was mad or had been out on a binge from smoking cocaine for four or five days, his guilt and shame or just blatant disrespect for the marriage would take him to his BM’s (baby mama’s) house. For several months and even into some years, I allowed his shenanigans.  My brokenness and insecurities from previous relationships was always right under the surface and therefore allowed me to be a partner in a dysfunctional relationship. It wasn’t until I found him at his new girlfriend’s house, comfortable and unapologetic, did I see the devastation of not taking care of my brokenness before I married him. 

I walked back to my car and drove in silence, back to the home we shared (sometimes). In that silence I heard the voice of reason…” No more”. For the next eight years I was alone. I spent time reflecting, apologizing, forgiving, and trying to unlearn so many things that were not conducive to my self-esteem, self-respect, and mental health. All the years of being in abusive relationships and thinking it was a normal way of life had to be unlearned and you cannot do that when continuing to move from one relationship to another. 

I had to give my heart and mind time to heal. I had to ask the hard questions. I had to learn to accept all parts I played in my own pain. Once I did that, I had to learn to love myself with all my hurts, habits and hang-up, flaws, and foolishness. I had to look in that mirror and say out loud “I am imperfectly perfect and that’s ok! I apologize and please forgive me”. But I would not have been able to do that, while in a relationship. 

Alone time: spending valuable time just getting to know who and whose you are, seeking your purpose and getting to know thyself from the inside out. Not comparing you to anyone. 

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED TO HEAL! We all know the saying “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result…” If we want better, we must do better and to do better we must find answers. Looking for peace of mind in someone else is not going to work! We must find peace within without seeking it from others. We cannot continue to stuff our feelings, our insecurities, our fears; hoping that silence will fix it. Silence is not always golden.  Leaving one bad relationship only to end up in the same type of relationship only tells us that we have not resolved any of our issues. We think “this one did not hit me”, but he’s emotionally abusive. “He did not hit me and is not emotionally abusive” but he withholds money from me to control me. That says to me, we have not done the work and we are still seeking toxic relationships why? 1) they are familiar, 2) we don’t think we deserve anything better 3) we settle because we feel we are not worthy 5) we don’t trust ourselves.  

These are the things we work on in our alone time. These are the issues we work on while in our alone time. Don’t jump into another relationship trying to stop your pain or loneliness. Alone time is crucial for our sanity and our recovery. Take time to reflect, grow, accept, and get in touch with who you are and then you can share your whole self.